Napoleon Movie Review (2023)

I have a rule for myself that I always finish movies, but if I didn’t, Napoleon never would have gotten finished. Or maybe it would have because of the laughs. This movie hurts me.

We’ve all heard of Napoleon Bonaparte, the French warrior who fought in and won many battles, and was both general and, later, emperor. He has a winning history and a name that has endured for centuries. Which is why I don’t understand why this unintentional comedy of a film was created.

Napoleon covers the life and love of Napoleon Bonaparte. A man who falls deeply in love (to the best of his ability) with Josephine, who he marries, divorces, and continues to be entranced by. Napoleon conquers many lands, becomes emperor, discusses plans for invasions, and upsets many people. Then he dies.

Let’s start with the positives. The first moments of the film include text that fade into red, white, and blue colors like the French flag. It’s an excellent opening narrative moment and something I really enjoyed. Visually, many of the battles are magnificent – particularly the one fought on ice – and the costumes are period (although, did they really have to stuff a pillow under Napoleon’s shirt to make him look fatter? Seems like it). I also very much enjoyed Vanessa Kirby’s performance as Josephine.

Now, everything else. First and foremost, Joaquin Phoenix’s Napoleon speaks with an American accent. Everyone else around him is British or Austrian or Russian, but Napoleon – the French general – speaks with an American accent. I suppose we don’t know exactly how he spoke, but it probably wasn’t in such a manner that you expected him to ask if they were going to go to Tampa on vacay.

This is distracting well into the second hour of the film, at which time, you get used to hearing more characters and some additional points of the (very boring) story get laid out. But then you hear him say something like, “Do not permit yourself to fall into melancholy” and you start laughing out loud. Or was that just me?

Second, this Napoleon, in addition to apparently being from somewhere in the United States, is also a huge man-baby who throws temper tantrums like a 3 year old. I don’t mean a domineering dictator of 30-something who intimidates the people around him, I mean childlike tantrums about boats and lovers and enemies that are embarrassing to watch and must’ve been embarrassing to perform. Not to mention the ick that you get when this guy has sex with is wife, who consents in much the same way that you give a child a toy to keep them pacified, complete with accompanying eyeroll.

I have to assume that even if Napoleon had a bad temper (for which he does have a reputation), he was somewhat more mature about it. This guy wouldn’t intimidate anyone in real life… You’d just put him in a time out.

Third, there is absolutely no reason that the film should have been 2 hours 40 minutes. It is boring, it rolls on for what feels like forever, and you find yourself laughing at the dialogue instead of investing in it. And don’t get me wrong, I enjoy a long movie, but don’t waste my time.

Napoleon is lovely looking and if it could have been a silent film that lasted an hour, I think I might have enjoyed it. But it wasn’t and it was painful. I don’t recommend it.

Runtime: 158 minutes

Motion Picture Rating: PG-13

Languages Spoken In The Film: English and bits of French, Russian, Italian, and German with English subtitles

Should You Watch It? No, don’t do that to yourself

Did I Cry? Only silent tears of pain

Rating: 1.25/5 Stars

Available: Free on Apple TV+, to rent on Prime Video, or may be available for free on other streaming platforms